The first conversation I had - with the woman who would later become my wife - was about our desire to help hurting kids. We never wanted to be people who stuck their head in the sand and closed their ears to the troubles around them. We were living in a place where most people looked great, but just down the road we knew lives were falling apart at the seams and kids were the collateral damage.
It is no secret that the opioid crisis is wreaking havoc on communities across America. Addiction and despair are spreading misery on families all around us. I look around church and can bet that someone’s son, daughter, or relative is currently in the throes of bondage to street drugs like meth and heroin. For the first time, Americans are more likely to die from overdoses than car crashes.
Several years back I heard of two young men dying of overdoses within a week of each other in our small, progressive university town. These were people who came from basically good families. One was the son of a movie actor.
Most people in our town are well educated and well off. We live in a kind of bubble, so it's pretty easy to shield ourselves from the sickness of the outside world. Still, many problems persist. More than one out of four homes lack a father. Divorce is rampant. Many people feel isolated and disconnected.
The problem of addiction and generational brokenness affects both families of the privileged, the down-and-out, and everyone in between. The nearby town of Medford, Oregon is known as a hotbed for meth. But when heroin is cheaper, some addicts switch gears and add it to their ‘coping toolkit’.
We accept that we are not the saviors of the world - able to bring healing for every ache and justice to every awful deed done in darkness. I don’t kid myself. I am no hero. I’ve been burnt out, beaten down and wounded. I wasn’t going to pull heroin needles out of people and administer Narcan to people who have OD’d. I wasn’t going to walk into known meth houses and try to counsel people. Some people may be able to do those things but that is not me at this point.
There was an opportunity we did see though. The kids that come from the broken parts of the world are innocent of their parents' misdeeds. Their lives are repeatedly shattered through neglect from the binge-recovery cycle of their parents. Occasionally they are bought and sold for drugs or money. Some children come from a place where people are not seen as beloved image-bearers of God but as commodities. They are subjected to extreme neglect, violence and sexual abuse, attempting to rob them of their futures.
I know these are gross generalities, and I realize even in many cases of abuse and neglect, biological families love their kids. I imagine the thought of their children being removed and sent to strangers is terrifying.
I used to be deeply suspicious and cynical toward foster parents. I thought of them as religious-wannabe-saviors, collecting a paycheck; often abusing the kids verbally, physically and sexually. Meanwhile, the kids would be babysat by television and fed junk food.
Before we were married my wife did a farm internship with the Barr’s - a couple who adopted their son after having three biological children. They later fostered a baby who was eventually adopted. These were awesome farm people! They were 'normal', caring people with big hearts, love, and concern for kids. We were inspired by them.
With my preconceived notions of what it meant to help kids in the system being challenged, I reconsidered: "How can we tangibly help a community, ravaged by meth, heroin, hopelessness, and depression?" The kids are only the tip of the iceberg; it is the whole family that needs restoration. Maybe I could encourage other dads. So many issues stem from fathers messing up or being absent all together.
The kids are only the tip of the iceberg; it is the whole family that needs restoration.
We want to see families healed. With nearly every placement I try to reach out to healthy relatives and build bridges. The best hope kids have is to see the adults getting along around them and acting as a loving support network on their behalf. But how do we come out unscathed? Is it possible to be exposed to this corner of the world without becoming jaded or tainted by the darkness? In the six years since we started this journey, we have experienced extreme highs and lows.
We have been exposed to another world filled with all kinds of new discomforts. Before foster care, we didn't know any lawyers. Admittedly, courthouses have never been my favorite - the fluorescent lights and the ever-present arm of judgment... Even as an innocent bystander it was not a fun place to be. All of a sudden we had caseworkers and home-certifiers come to our home. At times we felt we were living our lives in a fish bowl.
There are times when we felt resistance from every direction. We had a case worker who seemed opposed to us at every turn. There was an element of suspicion and scrutiny from a world that questions the motives of foster/adoptive parents. And all of this while under the watchful eye of the State. Navigating this world has its challenges, but we are learning to cope with the ebbs and flows of fostering.
The reality is, attachment and bonding are the heart of this work.
The main excuse we get from individuals who say they could not foster or adopt is the issue of attachment. We often hear, “I could never bear giving a child back after I had grown to love and care for them as my own.” The reality is, attachment and bonding are the heart of this work. We may be giving this child the only experience of love, stability, and sanity they will ever know.
It's sobering to realize that we can’t control the future of these kids. In reality, we can't control the future of anyone, including our own biological children. But if we fully avail ourselves to this work, these kids have a chance at bonding with someone else in the future. Hopefully we are reflecting a ray of hope and light- the vision of another way of living- that they can take with them.
...if we fully avail ourselves to this work, these kids have a chance at bonding with someone else in the future.
So why would we subject ourselves to this? Why would we enter into the muck and mire - ripples of human failings and the darkest parts of the human condition?
We reflected on the way God became flesh and walked this earth, entering into the fray to reach us. If He hadn’t been willing to “get dirty” on my account, I would never have had a chance to be reconciled and loved by a Holy and Righteous God.
It helped to see others go before us in foster care and adoption. We have been inspired by their choice to give their hearts to kids wading through an often uncaring and hardened system, even when faced with resistance and adversity from within and without.
Our first step was to attend an informational meeting with the simple intention of learning about foster care. We weren’t completely on board at that point; we were just exploring the possibility. But to get our feet wet we decided to do "respite-care" - a way to give foster parents an occasional break. Our first respite situation became our first placement and the rest is history.
Since we started we have had eight placements. Six have moved on after being with us for varying amounts of time. Our attitudes have always been one of welcome, for one hour or forever.
Our attitudes have always been one of welcome, for one hour or forever.
Timelines are fickle in this world, and patient endurance is crucial. There is always a future visit, court hearing, home evaluation, reunification or even a chance for adoption.
Stepping out into foster care is one of the most miraculous things I have ever been a part of. It causes me to look again at the One who searched me out when my back was turned on Him. I resisted and distrusted Him, mocked and fled from Him. Yet even in my wanderings, Christ pursued me and entered into my “stuff,” not repulsed by it, or annoyed by all the obstacles He had to overcome with me. He treasured me when I had nothing to add.
My delight in these precious children is a dim shadow of the way God delights in His kids. Being a part of this work is strange, difficult, and at times surreal, but it is also truly a profound blessing.
