Compassion and Atheism Saved My Life
- Shannon Hicks
- Feb 14, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 9, 2019
I will be honest, I am a Christian, but it was not always thus. For the first 30 years of my life, I oscillated between systems of belief, resting mostly on Atheism and Agnosticism. What is ironic is that I became a Christian in a large part from my interaction and relationships with my atheist friends.
Although I was raised in a Christian home, I had an immense hatred toward the hypocrisy I observed in Christianity. I also struggle with learning disabilities, addictions, and suicidal tendencies - generally I have been a hopeless person. But there is one thing that has kept me alive and provided a moral compass, keeping me from going completely insane and out of control. That one thing was, and is, a belief in the code of Compassion, and I believe this ideal, stemming from empathy, can bring humanity together so we can make a lasting change that will instigate, and hopeful transform the lives of those who are broken. It will not heal the world entirely but I believe it will make a dent in the suffering of humanity.
The home I was raised in was full of love, not perfection, but we knew and experienced what love was better than so many others I have known. The greatest challenge for me, however, was when, stepping into any church and seeing people who supposedly had a beautiful message, be so judgmental and self-focused. I felt that if someone knew they were to do good, and did not do it, their beliefs were junk. Worthy of being taken out with the trash, not worthy of being taken seriously. Churches and their people had no value or attraction to me, in fact, I was repulsed and extremely angered by them. For many years I dressed the part, acted the part and walked the walk because it was where I was. But inside I was flipping the middle finger at “Christians” and choosing hell because, as I said to myself, “If I have to be in ‘your heaven’ with you, it will be hell to me.”
As I gained the right, by the coming of age, to explore the world and my thoughts, I became increasingly desperate to find something to live for, and I was dangerously confused and depressed. More often than not, when walking down a sidewalk or path, I felt as though I was fighting a fierce headwind, leaning into it at a 45-degree angle, yet making no headway. I also felt as though I had a heavy foot placed on my chest that was choking me - I was unable to take full breaths. It was a morbid existence and one I am to this day surprised that I survived.
In addition to the physical manifestations of my depression, I was born with a hyper sense of empathy to the physical and emotional pain of others. When I see others experiencing duress, I actually feel and take on what they are experiencing. I live their pain and brokenness, and I have hated it for many years, feeling it was a curse. Yet after living through cancer at 22 years old and nearly being stabbed to death while living in China, I started to see that perhaps my compassionate response was a blessing, allowing me to sometimes be of encouragement to those who were distressed around me.
My wounds, both received and self imposed have harmed others during and through my process of healing - I have a lot to make up for. With that being said, the impression I want to leave you with is this, all the pain, and brokenness I have experienced has been a gift. I am being boiled down and pressed out, and what remains has manifested as my ideal - Compassion. If there is any good in me it comes from the pain and brokenness within me that has been made beautiful through my scares and the strength it has developed. Without the tearing of the sinews, muscles can not grow.
Over the years I have crisscrossed with and through the lives of individuals who have an incredible diversity of beliefs. What is surprising even now is that, in a large way, I found my inspiration for Christianity within the ideals of a few atheist friends. Let me first say, I had faith-based friends who were solid and consistent examples of hope and compassion, and still are. But in my 20's when I was hurting, I mostly found myself knocking on the doors of those who did not believe in 'God', because it was where I felt most comfortable. It was these friends who welcomed me with open arms, shared a beverage and interacted with no judgement or prejudice - they just listened, cared and respectfully advised. Their doors were always open to me, they trusted me, they respected me, most importantly they gave me unconditional love.
Why would these friends be able to love this way, they had no set creed, no value system written in any form, nothing to command them to love their neighbor? I personally believe - I am OK with you disagreeing - that they had the value of compassion - which is what they were showing me. Planted in their hearts by the very God they could not believe in. It is my conviction that they were embracing the very heart of God and their denial was of those attributes that are not true of the One I believe in. To explain myself I will say - If I dislike you for something that is not true of you, would you hate me for who I believe you are?
Those who have pulled the most from me are those who have needed compassion the most or have lived its values in the most extreme ways. In my mind, I collect stories of their lives. And in my heart, I long to live this lifestyle, to be a bleeding warrior for the relief of the broken - to be a "bleeding heart".
I have had some amazing opportunities to live my nurtured ideals. I have washed the feet of those whom I despise, I have fed the hungry, I have put ointment on wounded hearts and torn tissues. I am no hero because all of these labors have been gifts upon gifts to me, and it does nothing but increase an insatiable desire to live with less so that I might give more, that I might receive more. It is a never-ending, ever-increasing inspiration. By giving, I receive more input than I output. A cycle of compassion and hope that feeds itself.
There is a quote that inspires me to no end - “Only by love is love awakened”. As I have meditated on this over the years I have also realized that - Only through compassion is compassion awakened and renewed. The proliferation of an ideal is by example. No fancy speech or address to the masses will exceed the effects of actions. In the not so classy words of a classic country music song, “A little less talk and a lot more action...if you please”.
You might hate 'God' - I probably can understand why - and that is OK with me. But! Let me ask you this - Can we find some commonality within the ideal of compassion. Whatever your beliefs are, can we join forces?
I feel comfortable asking this only because I believe that one day, when lines are drawn in the sand, there will be just two groups, not those based upon political, racial or religious ideologies, but between those who live compassion, and those who shrug their shoulders at it and walk by.
Peace be with you...
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