Today is My Youngest Son’s 1st Birthday.
- Shannon Hicks
- Feb 1, 2019
- 8 min read
Updated: Apr 9, 2019
Today is the day my second son was born, and now I watch him grow on Facebook.
February 1st, 2018 Jimmy* was born, but I was not there. He was born to a couple named Bill and Crystal. But he does not live with them either. He now lives with a couple named Josh and Julie.
Let me back up.
In September of 2014, a little girl named Zoey Elizabeth Hope was born to Bill and Crystal. Zoey spent the first few weeks of her little life within the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, The result things she came by honestly. After she was released from the hospital Bill and Crystal did everything they could and knew to be a mommy and daddy to her. After about two months they were exhausted, mentally and physically, and felt like they could not be to her what she needed and deserved. Wanting desperately for her to have a more extended family than she would have with them. Even now, 4 years later, my heart breaks thinking of the emotions they had while making this decision.
This is where my wife Heidi, my daughter Daisy - 4 years old at the time, and I join journeys with them. In October of 2013, we became foster-parents and foster-to-adopt-parents - the list for kiddos who need a permanent home. Though we enjoyed fostering, Daisy was hoping for a lifetime sibling. One evening she mentioned to Heidi that she would like a little sister. Heidi suggested that she start talking to Jesus about this very specifically, so she did. Within a week or so we had a call that there was a less than 2-month-old little girl who needed us. Heidi told the DSHS case manager that she would call back immediately, but she needed to double check with her husband first, that would be me. I received her call at work and of course, I said YES!
Heidi asked if she should invite my mama Jeri to go with them? So, the next afternoon Daisy, Heidi, and my mama went down to pick up our new bundle of love. Heidi sent me pictures as soon as she got there of Daisy feeding Zoey. I cried. I loved that little baby girl straight from that moment on.
Though it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing from there, it was epic - those are good stories for later. In July of 2015, we headed down to the Spokane County courthouse for a few questions from a very kind judge - who had never seen 50 people in his courtroom for an adoption proceeding - then she was ours for good!
When Heidi and I first decided that adoption and foster care were something we could and wanted to do, we made the decision to not only adopt the child, but their parents as well if possible. Though we are sure we could do better, we have loved Bill and Crystal as much as we have loved every piece of Zoey Elizabeth Hope.
Bill and Crystal came honestly by a lot of the challenges in their life. That is to say, they have experienced a lot of trauma, both from family and the world. This did not set them up well for a lot of what they have been given to handle. But what we can say of them is they are very big-hearted and loving people! We feel toward them as a brother and sister would. Heidi and I can not think of a more selfless thing to do; to be willing to look for another family who could offer more than what they felt they had to give.
When we first met them, sometime after we had been given Zoey, their first questions were, “Do you have a big family?” “Are they part of your lives? “Will they love Zoey?” Basically, they wanted to be assured that she would have what they did not. How perfectly placed was Zoey? Not that we are perfect, but that our hearts are for the child and the parents? We did not plan this, nor could we have...it was placed in us.
Over the past few years since Zoey made her debut via her mommy Crystal, we have worked hard to spend time with both her and Bill, to love on them, to be their family... Heidi and I wonder now where they would be if they had had someone like our family in their lives, again not that we are perfect, but someone to love them with the perspective that we have. We believe that most families end up in desperate situations because they have no one who is stable or who wants to be in their corner, someone to have given a damn early on in their lives. This does not fix everything, but the odds would certainly be increased in their favor.
In 2017, we got a call from Bill and Crystal - who were doing pretty good with their lives - saying that they were pregnant again and that they were working hard to keep this one. We were excited for them! We were excited to see them turn a new chapter, knowing that having a child in your life can provide encouraging perspective and greater sense of purpose and love.
All through Crystal's pregnancy, we did what we felt we could to encourage and support them, doing our best to set them up for success while being respectful. They did well, but their struggles were great….in the end it was not meant to be.
When Crystal was scheduled to give birth to Jimmy*, Heidi was there with her. It was an amazing gift to us that Heidi could be supportive Crystal through her Doula skills as the brother of our daughter was born. We were so excited for them. To have each other, and we were excited to be a bigger family. Its a confusing and beautiful thing to consider how two sets of parents could share the amount of love that we have for 4 kiddos.
Heidi sent photos after the delivery and I cried. The emotions I felt and still feel are hard to express because they are so unfamiliar. None of us were ever intended to wrap our minds around a situation like this. Having Jimmy’s* big sister under my roof, and loving her with every cell, it feels like there must be some biological connection between he and I. I asked myself, “Does this mean I have more right to him than anyone else as a father?”
Soon after his delivery DSHS came in and took custody of Jimmy*. It is a long and heartbreaking story, but if you recall the few details of Zoey’s adoption to us, it will help make some sense. Throughout his first year, Bill and Crystal have worked hard to have him returned to their home. Jumping through a lot of hoops and fighting many personal battles. Towards the end of 2018, however, they recognized some of the same challenges they had experienced with Zoey and their huge desire to give their children the best they could, so they made a second selfless decision. They signed papers to relinquish their God-given right to raise their son… Again, I could not imagine what courage this must have taken. I cannot imagine the day to day tangle of thoughts and emotions since, and into the future that they will have. We only hope they they realize the level of respect we have for them because of what they have done.
Rewinding the timeline a bit. Enter Josh and Julie, Jimmy’s* foster parents, and now, as it appears, soon to be his parents. With everything we know now, nearly a year on, we can say that they were carefully crafted for OUR family. Julie has had some of the most incredible experiences that have formed her to be the mother that will raise Crystal’s son. I have not heard Josh’s entire experience, but as Heidi and I look at them together, we see the hand of the creator meticulously molding their lives in preparation to be the mommy and daddy Jimmy* needs and deserves.
Sometime before Josh and Julie were considered for adopting him, DSHS contacted us to see if we could take Jimmy* as our own. With so many tears, so much lost sleep, and prayers, we had to say no. Heidi has been sick for a couple years now - though she is doing better recently - and in conjunction with several other challenges in our lives, we knew it would not be fair to him or our current three kiddos. So much pain from this decision, and yet…
I must now be honest to bring this telling full circle. I am challenged to watch someone else raise Jimmy*. I have a very protective nature within me, and there is something about having one of your children out from under your protection. I still lose sleep wondering if he is safe, comfortable and loved. I have his image seared into my mind and see it there every day. I feel like my kids are missing a sibling and that he is missing our adventures. I have to draw hope from somewhere.
There are 3 of us humans, men, who love Jimmy* for the same reason. There are three fathers in his life. 2 of us don’t get to see him every day. One of us loved him first. For the most part, the last two of us get to watch him grow up on Facebook. But...I can’t tell you how much comfort I have from seeing the chain of events, and the individuals God has brought into the lives of two little beans, first Zoey and now Jimmy, who have been so meticulously orchestrated and beautifully crafted to be their team of parents, each with our specific role to play. I can say the same of my precious biological children. These two kiddos, that we are all so desirous of caring for, in whatever season, are not afterthoughts, but fine fine touches to this masterpiece our creator is putting together for.
I long to be with Jimmy*, to spend days with him, to put him to bed, read him stories, to teach him, to see him running a playing with my other three, to show him my father’s heart toward him, to instigate hope in him. But my skills as a conductor are not as refined as His are. I would not presume to imagine I could do it better. So for the time being, I will stash all my love for “my second son” and give it to him as I can. I will take joy in knowing that his new daddy has been chosen by the one who hung the stars.
*Not his actual name due to DSHS policy.
“I do not pray for these alone [it is not for their sake only that I make this request], but also for [all] those who [will ever] believe and trust in Me through their message, that they all may be one; just as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be one in Us, so that the world may believe [without any doubt] that You sent Me. I have given to them the glory and honor which You have given Me, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected and completed into one, so that the world may know [without any doubt] that You sent Me, and [that You] have loved them, just as You have loved Me. Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given to Me [as Your gift to Me], may be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory which You have given Me, because You loved Me before the foundation of the world.
- John 17:21 AMP
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